I don’t want to do this…

This last week marked the start of my sweetie’s last semester here at seminary. We may stay through a summer session or two, but we are in the home stretch. And I want to give up. Quit. Leave right now. Tonight, preferably.

I never dreamed how much I’d love it here. Never thought I’d open my heart to such wonderful friends. Or that I would open my heart at all. I’m much better at putting up walls. I never thought I would love the community, the activities, everything about this old, cold region or that 2 1/2 years later, I would be able to imagine a permanent life here.

But it happened. This became home. We still get crazy homesick for our families and for the familiarity of the west and the life that we have there. But here, we haven’t just been waiting for the next step. We’ve been growing roots that are here for good. And now that it’s time to think about leaving, I don’t want to…it hurts my heart to think about it. I just want the finality. I want it done. Without ceremony. Without good-byes.

Mandy says I can’t do that. She says if I allow myself to shut down now, to withdraw from the activity and life that has marked the last 2 1/2 years for our little family, that I will be sending a signal that all of this, here, is unimportant. Forgettable. Not worth the time.

I can’t do that. I can’t devalue all of this. It’s too important to me.

So over the next few months, when my instincts say to flee, when my heart aches and I want to crawl into bed until it’s over, I’ll cry out to God and I’ll keep my heart open, even though it hurts.

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About Sarah

I love being wife to my sweetie, mama and teacher to my three wonderful children, and friend to people near and far. I love to express myself through words. I blog to connect with others and so that someday, hopefully, my kiddos will understand who their mama was...way back when.
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6 Responses to I don’t want to do this…

  1. 🙂
    Wanna hang out soon? hehehe

    AW CRAP. Ok. Honestly. I don’t wanna do it either…

  2. tam says:

    😦

    i wonder how many other seminary wives are feeling the same way?

    id suggest starting a “support”group for the “last stretch wives” but then…that would probably only foster deeper relationships and make it that much harder to leave. so…ive got nothing. but i am so thankful you all have that many close friends right at your side. its a rare thing for some. its a treasure.

    [mandy sent me here btw]

  3. Sarah says:

    Mandy: Yes!!

    Tam: Hi! I lurk on your blog a lot. It’s great to see you over here.

    You’re right. The friendships are a treasure. I’ve spent much of my life avoiding letting people in. God kind of forced me out of my comfort zone here, and I’m glad. Hard good-byes are better than lack of friendship.

  4. tam says:

    “Hard good-byes are better than lack of friendship.”

    that brought instant tears to my eyes…cuz i know exactly what you mean….

  5. Jenn says:

    ok, after reading this…we really need to go get coffee tonight. why does this have to be such a busy day all of the sudden?

  6. Sarah says:

    I know. Silly Super Bowl. 🙂

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