This last week marked the start of my sweetie’s last semester here at seminary. We may stay through a summer session or two, but we are in the home stretch. And I want to give up. Quit. Leave right now. Tonight, preferably.
I never dreamed how much I’d love it here. Never thought I’d open my heart to such wonderful friends. Or that I would open my heart at all. I’m much better at putting up walls. I never thought I would love the community, the activities, everything about this old, cold region or that 2 1/2 years later, I would be able to imagine a permanent life here.
But it happened. This became home. We still get crazy homesick for our families and for the familiarity of the west and the life that we have there. But here, we haven’t just been waiting for the next step. We’ve been growing roots that are here for good. And now that it’s time to think about leaving, I don’t want to…it hurts my heart to think about it. I just want the finality. I want it done. Without ceremony. Without good-byes.
Mandy says I can’t do that. She says if I allow myself to shut down now, to withdraw from the activity and life that has marked the last 2 1/2 years for our little family, that I will be sending a signal that all of this, here, is unimportant. Forgettable. Not worth the time.
I can’t do that. I can’t devalue all of this. It’s too important to me.
So over the next few months, when my instincts say to flee, when my heart aches and I want to crawl into bed until it’s over, I’ll cry out to God and I’ll keep my heart open, even though it hurts.