A couple weeks ago, I happened across this blog and have been quietly following her posts ever since. In one post, she wrote about how when she feels like she can’t take any more, she keeps going because she can’t pretend not to know better. That hit me hard. And I’ve been struggling with it ever since. (I recommend reading her own words. They’re better than I can portray.)
As I’ve been thinking, on and off, about those words, Jonah has been memorizing a scripture passage for Awana that I memorized last year.
I Thessalonians 5:16-18
Be joyful always;
give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
Although I didn’t memorize these verses until last year, I have been aware of them for as long as I can remember and I’ve always felt they were part of my general attitude on life.
But lately, they haven’t been.
I’m not joyful.
I haven’t been praying continually.
And I certainly have not felt thankful for our current circumstances.
I have been focused on my perceived need for two things. Basic things. Things that in the hidden recesses of my mind I would go so far as to label inalienable rights. And I’ve been attempting to barter with God, telling him that I’m not asking for much. I’ll learn to live within any budget, as long as we have a stable income. And I’ll settle into any home, no matter how small, as long as it’s ours. Just those two things.
God has provided many other things. He has showered us in grace. But He hasn’t provided those two things. So I’ve been unjoyful. Unprayerful. Unthankful.
I have even been rebelliously searching His Word, hoping to find some hidden treasure that I could clench in my fist and say, see, you promised.
But I know better.
He didn’t promise my sufficiency. He promised His grace would be sufficient for me.
And so this week, I am choosing to begin again, acting against what I feel and praying:
Lord God, replace what I feel with what You want me to feel. Consume my heart with Your Sufficiency.