I drafted this post on July 22, 2009 and, for whatever reason, never finished the thought or pressed the publish button. Probably out of fear, ironically. So I’m publishing it now. Exactly as I wrote it. Including the dangling sentence that I was not able to find words to complete.
When I think about the fact that we will be moving in less than two months, I feel afraid. Not because we do not yet know where we will be moving to, or what we will be doing. That part I am able to handle fairly well — most days — because God firmly closed this chapter of our life, and so I have to trust that He has somewhere for us to go.
I am just an ordinary person, who will be living an ordinary life. And I’m afraid that I will be tempted to
Can God continue to change me, my heart, and my life when I am not surrounded by a seminary community? Is God powerful enough to do that? Because my heart can be blackest black.
I am afraid because I still find it difficult to believe that the transformations God has performed in my life will remain when we have left this safe community.
This safe community. I thought leaving would be difficult and returning would be easy.
The irony is, God continued to work in my heart through that difficult year in New Mexico. So much so that I’m still mentally processing much of it. And yet, since we moved back to seminary, I feel completely and utterly spiritually dry.
But my feelings do not always reflect reality. So I’m choosing, now, to trust that God is continuing to work in my heart. Even when I don’t feel it.